I don't have a Kyokushin blog.. so this is the place

"But green's the color of Spring
And green can be cool and friendly-like
And green can be big like an ocean, or important
Like a mountain, or tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why
Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful
And I think it's what I want to be" From Kermit the Frog's song "It's not easy being Green"

I received my belt rank promotion last night. I'm green.

You know what? When I started training in Kyokushin, I really never aspired to be anything other than just happy to be allowed to condition my body, and learn with the other students in that dojo. It was a delight, and a inner shock to see that 4th kyu Green belt being placed around my waist. This was one of the colors of all of the Sempai, this was the color of someone who had some idea of what to do during class.

I'm green. It's not just the color, and rank that fills me with joy, it's the recognition from my Sensei that I can be of service to him as one of his lead belts in his dojo. I received the impression that I had performed quite a worthy effort during my belt rank test, and that my Sensei was VERY satisfied with my progress.

My heart fills with trepidition that I'm only 3 ranks away from Shodan in Kyokushin. There is a wailing ( almost sorrow ) within me. I know what Shodan means now, and how it changes one's training, and focus. It changes how you are taught in the dojo. It almost seems that achieving Black is similar to someone shifting over on the driver's seat, and handing you the reins with the words "You know what to do, now go ahead, and drive.." One of the reasons that I LIKE being a Kyu rank is that I love the journey, and challenge of each level of learning. It also changes how others see you. So many times I've seen new white belts cringe at the thought that I am their partner in Shotokan. They see my Black belt as a fearful thing, and I can see their eyes shifting around looking at the other lower belts with longing. It takes awhile before new students start to understand that I can be a wonderful partner since I can adjust, and control my strikes, and I can help them achieve their goals. .

Such opposite feelings rage within me. I'm happy, and joyful to receive this promotion which allows me to be one of my Sensei's lead belts, and to be allowed to share in helping other students learn. Yet, I grieve how much closer I am to autonomy.

Yet, is that not another one of my goals? I could not stay a child all of my life, I had to grow up, become responsible, and embrace my independence.

I do have one consolation. As an adult, I have found a way to allow my inner child to express herself, and continue existing in a supportive, and positive way. Perhaps I will find a way to keep the kyu level experiences of discovery while at the same time maintaining my Black belt maturity. I haven't found that balance yet in Shotokan, but then it took awhile for me in life to learn to allow my inner child to exist how can I expect instant knowledge of how to balance Beginner with Master within me.

I am just a few moments away from becoming a double Black belt in two arts. How did that happen?