January 2008, and I feel proud of me

I just finished my Brown belt test. It extended over 3 days, and lasted approximately 8 hours long in total. Regardless of the results, I am proud of my effort.

I CAN CROW IN TRIUMPH! Why? I succeeded in holding a HANDSTAND for 2 minutes. (With my wonderful Sensei's support, and guidance!) Those who have followed my path through my blog these past years will know what a wondrous victory that was over my childhood past, over my inner terrors, and over myself.

I'm sorry that I do not have any pictures to provide to you of this event. I only have my memories of the experience, and I am going to gently treasure these quietly for awhile in the same manner that I have placed mementos of my children in a box in the basement.

I will share with you how my belt test affected me:

I walked around like a "Night of the Living Dead" zombie for 3 days at work, and at home. I even had the slow limping shuffle, and the empty non-responsive eyes. People would watch me walking to the cafeteria with a big grin on their faces. I gather that I looked humorous.. I don't know, I was pretty much out of it. I had no energy to worry about my pride, and what people were thinking. But now, I wonder, what WERE they thinking? My co-workers would have to call my name more than once to get my attention, and when I did respond it felt like I was dragging my mind out of a field of cotton. I found myself double checking, and triple checking my work to make sure that I did it correctly. Tasks that used to be automatic became slow, and careful. I kept my quality up, but it was SUCH a demand on every ounce of will power that I had. Were they thinking "Man! She's come to work stoned!!!"? Ha ha ha...

I fell asleep on the bus ride home, I fell asleep when I got home, I fell asleep again when it was bedtime. I woke up only long enough to respond to a question, and then I'd be back into a half asleep/half awake state.

My husband, and children have been lovingly nursing me with hugs, and little actions of caring. One made me my favorite tea, while the other placed a warm cover on me, and another brought me a bag of ice for my injuries. I was uplifted by their love, and the pride that shone in their eyes.

I'm more myself now... and I look back with awe at what I have become, and how far I have progressed. Was that me doing that? It must have been, it's "me" that is still feeling the pain from it.

Yes, I'm hurt in more than one place: Right hand/wrist, left/right outer thighs, and mostly left ankle. Those are the "Louder" pain areas that drown out the lesser painful areas over my body. Somehow, when I was throwing a lower roundhouse in my last sparring match, I didn't stretch out my instep properly, and managed to hyper extend that ankle some near the end of that time period. That moment was such a revelation of how important to adjust to the angle of my opponent's body when I send an attack, and to adjust to how the target moves to avoid it. Pain is SUCH a good teacher. My ankle's healing quickly, and I should be fine by the end of this week.

I can almost feel the question coming from the readers of "Did you pass?"

The answer that I can give you is that in MY eyes, I was victorious! I gave my best, I gave my all, and I had no more within me to put forth. Now, I cannot guarantee that this effort is going to meet the requirements of that level. BUT I know that I am not going to stop training. So, if I didn't pass, I will still show up at the dojo, and work towards improvement because I LOVE Karate. It will not lessen the pride that I feel at how I tested this week. It will mean that my next attempt to reach this level of rank will be easier because I will be even stronger, faster, and experienced.

If I did pass, I will place an announcement on this blog for you to read. Be patient, though. Test results are not always given quickly in my dojo.