Sunday, August 05, 2007

If life was like a movie at least it would make some sense

I'm still working through the emotional rollercoaster ride of grief. I'm going through all of the stages,( anger, sadness, denial, bargaining, and then acceptance ) over and over in spirals.

If only life was like a good movie, sure there are sad parts in a movie, but usually in the end there is a reason, or a hero, or a conclusion. But life isn't like that.. it's like randomly interspaced events that happen sporadically due to outside forces.

When I accepted the position of Sensei, I embraced it fully, and with all energy that I possessed. I built up my surroundings to support this new life. I started saving up money to be able to represent my dojo in Montreal next year. I made leaps of personal choices, and sacrifices to live up to the position of Sensei. I set up a dojo website, and two webpages to keep in contact with my students so that they can be informed on the latest news. I started planning my schedule based on what I could do to support my dojo.

Then, in one epiphany of understanding this week of how all of the various threads tied together, I KNEW that I could not continue as a Sensei, nor even continue training in Shotokan. I ask myself.. Why did it take so long for me to see all of this? I already knew that these issues were there, why did I accept the position of Sensei in the first place? Did I think that the issues were going to disappear, or become less relevant? No.. I had the silly notion that the issues weren't that important as long as I knew what my goals, and values were in my life.

Being a Sensei meant that I could do something that I loved to do, and receive payment for it. It meant that I could say something to others at a party when they asked me what I did for a living. Normally I would answer "I'm a homemaker.." and I'd get the response "That's it?" Being able to say "I'm a Sensei of a dojo..", well.. their eyes would widen, and suddenly I'd see their faces change from bland to interested. It meant that I could bring home some extra money to help with sudden expenses. During the month of July, our water bill had tripled due to the negligence of my children. It was my Sensei money that paid for this sudden drain on our finances.

Gosh I'm going to miss them... my students. I only had a handful of them, but Wow.. they were great. They deserved better than me as a Sensei.

When I tell my family and friends that I'm not a Sensei anymore.. I see the disappointment in their eyes, bodies, and responses. They believe that I chickened out, that I "didn't have what it took", that being a Sensei was too hard for me, and that I ran away from the responsibility. They don't understand why I did what I did, and it's very difficult to explain it to them. The words "I have to stand up to my values" just seem to fall flat in front of me because I cannot explain every single issue, and detail that built up into this important decision. They would have to watch the movie to understand the ending. Heck.. I'm IN the movie, and I barely understand. I just know that I have to do what is right for me to be able to live with myself no matter how much it hurts. I really wish that this moment had a happy ending for everyone.. but it's not going to be that way at first, maybe with time things will end up happy, but right now, at this moment, many people are hurting.

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