Silly things to make you smile.. "Boot to the head" skit

Memories... Innercity dojo would travel together to each tournament in the same huge van that seated close to 16 people.. even more if you cheated the seatbelt laws a little.. We called it a "Dojo bus". When we arrived at the event location there was a tradition to listen to two things. First we had to listen to the "Ti Kwan Leap" skit.. and song, and then we listened to "Everybody was Kung fu fighting" song before we went to represent our Dojo. If you haven't ever heard of the "Ti Kwan Leap" skit I will now provide the transcript for your enjoyment:

Ti Kwan Leep


Teacher:
Approach, students. Close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of Ti Kwan Leep. But, be warned: To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate upon this wisdom now. So: Aaaaaaooooommm......

Student1 (Ed Gruberman):
Uh, sir! Sir! (oo! oo!) Sir!

Teacher:
Who disturbs our meditation, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond?

EG:
Me! Ed Gruberman?

Teacher:
E-Ed Gruberman?

EG:
Yeah, uh, no disrespect or nothin', but, like, uh, how long is this gonna take?

Teacher:
Ti Kwan Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon.

EG:
So like, what, an hour or so?

Teacher:
No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience.

EG:
Yeah yeah yeah, patience. How long will that take?

Teacher:
Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day.

EG:
A YEAR??? I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas! Hah woo yah ooomm!

Teacher:
"Beat people up"...?

EG:
Yeah! Just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing bozos! That's all I came here for! YO ASTA STA STA!!! Pretty good, ey?

Teacher:
The only use of Ti Kwan Leep is self-defense. Do you know who said that? Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher.

EG:
Yeah? Well the best defense is a good offense, you know who said that? Mel, the cook on "Alice".

Teacher:
No, um...Ti Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us. Aaaaoooommm...

EG:
Listen, shrimp! All this fag talk is really starting to piss me off. Now, are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I gonna start wapin' the walls with you?

Teacher:
Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ti Kwan Leep. Approach me that you might see.

EG:
All right! Finally some action!

Teacher:
Observe closely, class. Boot to the Head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

EG (drunkenly):
Owww! You booted me in the head!

Teacher:
You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of Ti Kwan Leep so soon.

EG (quietly, to himself):
Ow, oh, my head!

Teacher:
Now we continue. Aaaaaoooommmm...

EG:
Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now shorty, huh? Come on, are ya chicken?

Teacher:
Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

EG (again, drunkenly):
Oww! Okay, now I'm ready, okay, now, come on, try it now.

Teacher:
Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

EG:
Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?

Teacher:
Now class, we shall return to our...

Student2:
Master?

Teacher:
It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student.

Student2:
Many apologies, master. But I feel Ed Gruberman is not wholly wrong.

Teacher:
What do you mean?

Student2:
I want to boot some head, too.

Teacher:
Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?

Student2:
Yes, master. I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to one's opponent.

Teacher:
Very good.

Student2:
And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head. (SH-ZOOMP!)

Teacher:
You missed.

Student2:
Uh, yeah. Well...

Teacher:
You too shall be honored to learn a lesson...

Student2:
You don't have to, you know. I-I gotta be going...

Teacher:
Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)

Student2 :
(agonizing pain) Oyyy oy oyyyy.... Oh....

Teacher:
Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?

Student3:
Uh, yes, master. Not a single one of us could defeat you.

Teacher:
You gain wisdom, child.

Student3:
So we'll hafta gang up on ya! Get 'im guys!

(Teacher throws many 'Boot to the head!s' and 'SH-ZOOMP!s'.
There are many people groaning in pain.)


Teacher:
And now class, let us rejoin the mind to the body and gaze into the heart of the candle in meditation.

Unison:
Aaaaaoooommm....

Teacher:
Very good, class.


If you wish to listen to this skit, or to the accompanying song, you can find it at:

http://www.webguys.com/pdavis/karate/tikwanleep.html

In honor of my old dojo I will be listening to the traditional silly things on the morning of my Shodan test.