I had too much fun..

My body is causing me problems again. Nothing new..

It gave up on me. Just got all shaky, cold, dizzy, and weak. I was doing fine, kicking away, having fun, and BOOM.. like a curtain falls on a theater stage.. I was barely able to walk, or stand.

I looked at all the reasons why it could have happened:

a) It's true.. I've been doing hard yard work for 3 days straight in addition to all of my housework.

b) I was not eating well Friday. A banana for breakfast, one slice of vegetarian pizza for lunch, and a bowl of vegetable soup for supper. Water to drink all day. That's no more than 400 - 500 calories. Don't scold me.. I just couldn't make myself eat. I knew that I needed more than that.. but there was this core within me that refused to eat. I had to force the bowl of soup into me through "will power" fighting "will power".

I did this kind of thing as a child. Eating was the one thing that I had control over, so I would stop eating. I'd decide not to eat, and from that moment on, I just wouldn't.

I have alot of issues within me from my past.. and fasting is one way that I find that I can cope with them.

I made my littlest child cry yesterday just by describing a few aspects of my childhood. I didn't mean to.. He had come up to me, snuggled close on the couch, and asked me "Mom? What was your childhood like?"

I answered "You really don't want to know, son. Let's play video games instead."

But he really did want to know.. so I started sharing a few things with him in a factual way. I had barely started when he sobbed, and said "Mom.. stop.. let's stop talking about your childhood." I agreed.

I spiritually needed to fast yesterday, and yet I knew that I had to eat to be able to train. Fasting doesn't allow you to train hard. It's like all of your energy is going inwards rather than outwards.

Kata. Kata was the only thing that I could do. I find that kata empowers me. My body starts to shiver with energy when I do kata. I feel breathless- yes, tired - yes, but still filled with power. I don't understand this.. I don't even feel a need to understand. I just know that it happens. When I'm exhausted, and barely able to stand, if I can find it within me to do a kata.. I feel energy surging into me.

When I do kata, it's like I am sleepwalking through the movements. I'm there, but not there. I move, but it's not me moving.. it is the song of the kata playing through time. Each kata has it's own character, rhythm, and expression. They sing different songs, and teach different lessons.

There are different "feels" to the kata. There is a mental "figuring out the bunkai" feel. There is the "breathing in and out of energy" feel. There is the "defending yourself from a real enemy" feel. There is so many expressions, and ways of doing kata that it is endless.

Did I mention that I love kata?